How To Handle Unsolicited Advice
When we want it, when we need it, when we seek it out, good advice is a blessing. On the other hand, unsolicited advice is often as unwelcome as ants on the kitchen counter. Yet we are bombarded with it daily: on the news, in commercials, in internet ads, from friends, relatives, bosses, and co-workers. When asked about her pet peeve, my sister will tell you: unsolicited advice. I know many people, myself included, can tolerate with politeness a certain amount of unwanted advice, but beyond that, we wish we could just plain put the advisor in their place--minus the politeness.
How then, do we deal with unasked-for advice that comes in a steady stream from the same sources? Are there ways to respond that will be effective while leaving our sense of maturity and dignity intact? Yes!
Consider The Advice
If it is coming from a respected source, perhaps a wise first step is to actually listen. Rather than immediately raising our defenses, if we take time to listen with an open mind, we might find the advice a positive, something worth considering. Of course, in this case, a simple thank you is the best response.
When advice from any source is a put-down, an unwarranted criticism, or delivered in a condescending manner, perhaps the best response is no response at all. Merely change the subject or walk away. Give it a try. It shocks many people into silence. They get the message.
If advice ever comes in the form of an "or-else" threat, take it seriously, and do not be afraid to speak your feelings on the matter. Is someone telling you the failure to follow their "advice" could result in a job loss, a divorce, or personal harm? Tell the other person you do not tolerate that kind of behavior. Be firm; be serious. Report any threat of harm to your person or property to the authorities. Get a restraining order.
Consider The Source
We can all turn off or tune out loud commercials and infomercials that tell us what we should or should not be doing and buying. But when it's a friend or relative doling out chain-advice that becomes nagging or makes you feel unqualified to be an adult, incompetant at every turn--when the advice becomes an ongoing source of stress, it's time to address it.
Want to disown your neighbor, friend, co-worker, or an in-law? Try these measures first:
1. Acknowledge that the advice has been heard. (You don't have to follow it.)
2. Give advice in return. Sometimes a dose of their own medicine really will wake someone up.
3. If the advisor is your boss, best to follow the advice, unless it is something illegal or something against your moral code.
4. When coming from a co-worker, again, listen, acknowledge, but don't follow bad advice.
5. If the co-worker totally crosses the line, say how you feel about it and why. Follow that with some form of, "please don't do this any more."
6. If it continues, consider taking it to the supervisor so that she or he can deal with it. This is, of course, reserved for extreme instances.
7. When this kind of behavior comes from a friend or family member you really value, minimize the damage to your well-being by limited contact with this person. If they ask why you've not been around much, tell them with honesty and politeness. It always feels best to stick up for your rights when you aren't jumping up and down on the coffee table screeching.
8. If the source of the unsolicited advice becomes unbearably toxic, break all ties.
Practice Damage Control
Many of us have a misguided notion that speaking up for ourselves or breaking ties with toxic people is somehow unacceptable or rude. Don't believe it. You are worthy of making sure your well-being is made a first priority.
U-Tip: Taking good care of yourself, minimizing any damage others would do to your peace or your self-esteem, is the best way to help guarantee that you remain able to pursue what you do, who you are, and to maintain wonderful relationships with those you love the most.
How do you currently deal with unsolicited advice?
Have those measures been effective?
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